I Left The Man In The Middle Of The Storm

by: totoy Words are not enough to express my true feelings for you. My world was once in astray but it changed dramatically the first time I met you. Before, I was always in the wilderness searching for something, searching for someone, searching for myself. Everyday I always make it a point to go back to that wilderness hoping to find answers to my feelings of emptiness. But still nothing happened. So one time, I decided to search for an entire day promising myself that I won’t go back till I find what I have been looking for. But I guess luck was nowhere to be found. Nothing was falling into place. I was so enraged and furious because the sun is now starting to hide yet nothing is happening. Not even a single clue was there to be found. After a whole day of searching, my body was now in total fatigue, tired and feeling of hopelessness. I needed water to fill in my thirst. And a much needed rest to regain my fading strength. Coincidentally, I saw a bizarre yet magnificent river. I was so delighted and overjoyed that at last I could now drink gallons of water to satisfy my lingering body. I was so dumbfounded and astounded by the serenity and tranquility of the river. It made me appreciate the true beauty of the outside world, its simplicity and quietness. Then I made a comparison. I hope my life was like that, uncomplicated and trouble-free. Maybe because of too much fatigue and exhaustion, I decided to take a fleeting nap. Things happened so fast. A horrendous nightmare was running after me. I dreamt of someone, a young and a very beautiful man, trying to capture my heart. I was so scared and petrified. I don’t know what to do. He was trying to incarcerate my heart and bring it back to life. But I don’t want my heart to feel something anymore. It already became numb and frozen. I already murdered my heart. I already killed my heart. But there he was, trying to bring it back to life without knowing how it will react. At first, I thought he will never succeed. But after awhile, my heart started to beat faintly and slowly. I was flabbergasted with what I saw. I was so stunned and startled. He just brought it back to life. It became alive. I was alive again. I don’t know how my response would be at that moment. I don’t know if I needed to thank him or curse him for what he has done to me. Then reality struck me. Tears started to build on my eyes. And in just a blink of an eye, it started running down on my cheeks. At last, I’m crying again. I’m feeling something again. So I slowly turned my back and tried to wipe off my tears away. Then someone tapped my shoulder. He was still there. I felt no emptiness anymore. I felt invigorated. I felt a new beginning will be ahead of me. I don’t know exactly what I am feeling. But one thing is for sure, I am not the same person whom I was used to be. I was overshadowed by my heart. I became a slave of my heart. But it helped me uplift my spirit. And at last, I felt wholeness in my entire senses. I never felt this way before. A man from the wilderness saved me from my miseries and destitutions. At last I found the answer to my emptiness. But suddenly, a raucous thunder was heard from the sky. I was so terrified. It made my body tremble from anxiousness. Then after awhile, an unexpected storm came. I wanted to run as fast as I could but I can’t because he was still holding my heart. I stared at him carefully and saw his eyes smiling at me. I was so elated with the way he holds my heart. He was holding it preciously and dearly and even protecting it from the storm. I started to cry once more. But this time, it’s competing with the storm. I cried so hard that never before happened in my entire existence. I cried and cried till my eyes gives up. I felt different. But I don’t want this feeling because I’m so scared. I don’t want to become vulnerable. And I’m vulnerable. But I felt love. Falling for him was so easy. He captured and imprisoned my heart in its totality. Now I understand why people wanted to love and be loved. I was so happy feeling that way. He still protecting and nurturing my heart despite the robust storm. I was captivated by his presence. Then I started to build memories with him. I created a journal and scripted it into my heart. I was very ambitious. I even fast-track my life even though I knew for the fact that the storm will never cease. It was foolish and ridiculous of me. But then I realized, no, I’m not silly, I just love the person. I just love him so much. I’m willing to give everything for him. And the only thing I asked of him was to continue to protect my heart from the storm. And he did. That is why my love for him grew the more. I was so in love with that person. But I don’t think I can give everything what he wants. The only thing that I can assure him is my undying and unconditional love for him. I love him. I still love him. And I will love him till my heart stop beating. I will forever love the man who brought my sanity back, the one who is holding my heart dearly. But the storm was so powerful. I never thought that it can put me off the ground. I started to become weak and feeble. I was afraid to lose him. And I felt I’m losing him. Then I started to become a senseless coward. The monster in me started to reappear. I didn’t know what I am doing. I went to him and snatch my heart from his hands. I ran and ran as fast as I could without knowing where to go. I left my love in the middle of the storm. I was an irrational coward. I didn’t fight for him. I didn’t even say sorry or gave him an explanation for a sudden disappearance. Then I started crying again. I’m mourning because of frustrations and guilt. Then I realized, I’m lost again from the wilderness. I don’t know how to track back where it all started. I wanted to go back but am completely at lost. Then I saw an abandoned house in the middle of the wilderness. I went inside and looked around. It was empty and lonely. The same feeling that I was going through at that time. I stayed there for awhile and slept. I was awakened from my deep sleep because of the thunderous storm outside. And when I woke up I was in complete awe. Then I asked myself, “What am I doing here?” Then I remembered my dream awhile ago. Realization clobbered my body and soul. It was not a dream, it was a reality. Tears started to run down. I left the man that I love in the middle of the storm… It was one of the hardest decisions that I made in my entire life. Before, I thought I was in a fantasy world. Dreaming and experiencing the love from the one that I love the most. There was a magical feeling that I could not explain. It was a fantasy that became a reality. I felt true bliss and happiness. There was like a soothing music playing in my ears every time I listen to him. I hear peace. I felt am always at peace. I wanted to play that music every single moment. And all of a sudden, there was an abrupt change. The pandemonium in my heart started to dissolve and disappear. My heart gained an unusual strength. And at that moment, I wanted to believe that it can oust any storm that comes into his contact. I was with my spirit at that time, high spirit indeed. I thought it will also give me the strength that I needed to topple the adversities of life. But I was wrong. It was not even enough. I was nothing but a useless coward. I was made to believe that I was an immortal who can live with the frustrations of life. But I was wrong. I was nothing but a worthless immortal trying to escape the vulnerability of life. And now, my life is in abyss, there was like a hole that’s eating my whole being. And as time goes by, it’s becoming bigger and bigger every time I think of him, every time I think of the man I left in the middle of the storm. How selfish I become for not giving myself the chance to experience the warmth of love from my better half. And worst, I was so selfish for not giving him the love that he deserves. He doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve a better half in me. I am nothing but a useless coward. I was so afraid with the storm. I was once in paradise but now I’m in wretchedness. My heart is weeping because of what happened. He kept on bickering me that there will always be a storm and that it is but normal to suffer from a rollercoaster of emotions. But I was too weak and fragile. I was blinded by my absurdness. They were trying to gobble my heart and be killed once more. But my heart doesn’t want to. He’s fighting for survival. He’s fighting for my own happiness. He’s fighting for his life. My heart was too strong for them. There was like a high dose of morphine injected to him so that it could not feel the pain anymore. My heart knows that he’s bleeding. But there he was trying to topple my meaningless absurdness. My heart doesn’t want to give up. He didn’t. But unfortunately, I was never been at peace since then. I could not stabilize my surging emotions because of so many uncertainties. I was eaten up by my ludicrous harebrain not knowing how to stop it. And all of a sudden, I felt different. I felt I was a madman trying to convince myself that I’m not abnormal. And out of the blue, I shouted at my heart, “Surrender now!” I’m not with my senses anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. And all of a sudden, my heart stopped with disbelief. My heart cried with blood because of agony and despair. He lost the battle. He’s almost winning but I made him lose the fight. I was trying to murder my heart again. I’m trying to kill him again like what I have done to him before. But I didn’t continue it this time. I stopped. I hesitated. Because I know the man that I love was in there. I remember I made a journal in my heart. The memories and the plans we have shared together were still intact. It was still there. And I don’t want to lose it this time. I wanted to remember that over and over again. I wanted to read it and cherish every moment of it. I wanted to keep it. I wanted to keep that for eternity. I wanted to keep him for perpetuity. And I will. I will keep him in a special place in my heart that no one can occupy except him. I love him. I still love him and I will still love him till my heart stop beating. I wanted to listen to his heart. I wanted him to sing without any trepidation and apprehension. I wanted to listen to him again. I know there are so many angst in him and I don’t know if I could handle his rage and fury. I know his anger is boiling down until his heart. But still, I wanted to sing with him. But I’m scared. I’m scared with my love. I don’t have the courage to face him. He is my supreme weakness. My brain is telling me that he will never understand me. But my heart doesn’t believe him. He believed that my love will understand everything, maybe not now, but in due time. My state of mind is in total chaos. Then I realized I’m the one making my own dilemma. I’m the one making my own abyss. There are so many questions that kept on bothering my heart. He always asks me, “Why are you thinking that way?” “I just couldn’t help it” as my simple reply. Unexpectedly, I burst into tears again. How sure am I that he will never leave me? How sure am I that he will never give his heart to someone else? How sure am I that he will keep his promises with me? How sure am I that my dreams for him will come true? How sure am I that we will be together despite the storm? How sure am I that we will be together till eternity? How sure am I? I supposed not even him could answer all these questions. Time is running. We’re lacking time now. I hope I have the power to stop the time for me to spend more quality with him. And be able to answer all these questions that kept on bothering me. But I can’t. I still need to resolve some issues regarding him, regarding myself, regarding us. And I’m about to leave the country soon. For how many days, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to think things over. I wanted to contemplate and examine my feelings for him. I never did anything wrong. I lied because I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to cry. And I cried for so long for me to feel my love for him. I cried for how many days. And till now, I’m still crying because there is too much love for him. My soul and my spirit are also weeping with me. I have never felt so alone. I felt the emptiness again since the day I snatched my heart from him. I had so many promises with him. And I will fulfill those promises no matter what it takes because I love him. And I will always love him even though were far apart. He made a mark in my heart that no one can replace. And that mark symbolizes my relentless love for him. But I’m giving him the freedom to love again. For him to receive unreciprocated love to someone who really deserves him. However, I hope when I’m ready, he will still give me the chance to love him the more. And if destiny still permits us, I still want him to be my partner as we journey the treacherous road of life, maybe not now, but in the near future. But I know this is just a product of my imagination, it is beyond reality. I also hope before I leave we could spend another night together, even for just a few hours or even for a few minutes. I wanted my soul to be united with him again. I want to express my undying love for him again. I want to talk to him about anything again, about his life, his plans, his dreams… just anything about him because I want to feel happiness again. I am crying again because I missed him so much. I love him so much. I missed his cute smile, his rhythmical voice, his passionate kisses, his tight hugs, his familiar smell, how he makes me smile, how he gets mad, how he smell the food, how he gets a migraine every morning, how I stare at him while his asleep, how he wanted to finish his studies and start working, how easily he gets irritated by me and his parents, how he share his secrets and even how he picks his nose…. everything about him… because I love him. I still love him and I will still love him till my heart stop beating….. I miss my lavs… I miss him so much…