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Patutot
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by: joey
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Shet. Ang cute niya. Ay, hindi siya cute. GWAPO siya! Eto ang
mga naglaro sa isip ko the moment na sumakay ako sa black Nissan Cefiro ni
Eric. Naka white shirt siya at simpleng maong lang at tsinelas. He was so damn
simple for someone driving a luxury car no! But the chest, tipong banat talaga.
Me pagka-Chinese siguro to pero kamukha niya si Mari Kaimo na ginawang medyo
Chinese. Hmm...actually si Ewan McGregor din kmukha niya. Yon nga lang medyo
may tinge of Chinese.
Pero suplado. I think i should read the signs. Walang imik. Parang deadma.
Kaninang umaga ko lang nakilala si Eric. Nagtext siya sakin na may nagbigay daw ng business card ko sa kanya. Asuuusss!!!
"Sorry, i'm working and i'm not into that kind of stuff." ang text back ko lang sa kanya.
Ang reply niya lang sa kin ay simpleng "K". Ewan ko ba pero eto ang pinakanakakairiting reply anyone can give to me. Pero ako deadma lang. Burado ka na dahil sa "K" na yan. Pero after an hour or so, nagtext na naman ang gago.
"Wazzup? San ka nagwowork?" tanong niya.
Deadma ako. Maganda. After an hour, nagtext back ako. "Anong age mo ba? Taga saan ka?"
"I'm Eric 29yo from Pasig. 5'9" 145lbs gym fit. Chinese-mestizo." sabi naman niya.
Di ako reply. Talagang PATUTOT talaga. Gusto ko naman eh. Pero mahirap na. This text just came from nowhere no. Baka mamaya eh may nanghuhuli lang sa kin or something. Basta.
Text naman siya maya-maya. "Wanna meet for coffee sometime? Wala lang. Bored lang ako. Gusto ko lang may makausap."
Ewan ko. Parang kinilig ako eh. Minsan, sa dami ng mga kausap mong sex agad ang punto, you come to take for granted pag-invite ka for something cozy. Yun bang may room pa for mystery. And hindi yung cards mo are all out in the open, no?
"K" my turn to give that irritating reply.
Dami work that day kaya natabunan na siya. La ako panahon sa mga business card daw nakuha number ko asus. Dami kailangan icheck, i-verify. Came 5pm, i received a missed call sa cell ko. Siya. Deadma!
I continued working. Till 7pm ng gabi. Gutom na ko. I might as well go home. i prepared my things na. So I brushed my teeth sa pantry. Washed my face. When i got back, nagbiblink ang phone ko. I hate the sound of cellphones ringing saka yung message alert tone. Kaya lagi siyang naka-vibra mode lang. Ano ka. Di ko ginagamit yung vibra for other things 'no!
"Hello?" sagot ko sa call.
"Uy. Musta. Bakit di ka nagrereply?" tanong ni Eric.
"Busy sa work eh. Why?"
"Tinatanong kita kung gusto mo magcoffee eh."
"Ay ganon?Tonight ba? Kase pauwi na ko eh."
"Ah ok. San ka ba nagwowork?"
"Ortigas, kaw ba walang work?"
"Ortigas? Good andito lang ako sa ortigas center. Meet na tayo sandali. Ano?"
Out of the plan to ah. Di ko alam isasagot ko that time. Pero what the heck. But i really couldn't stay long.
"Ganon? Eh di mo pa nga ako kilala eh. How would you be sure you'd like my company? Same goes for me too, diba?"
"Ok lang yan." sabi ni Eric.
"Kase I really don't meet up with someone who just came out of nowhere eh." patutot ko.
"Ok, fine. Actually, the truth is..." pabitin ni Eric.
"Ano..."
"Ok, actually the truth is, i didn't get your number from a business card."
"I know....So san?"
"Nagpost ka 6months ago diba? isang ad?"
"Aaahhh! okey. Wala yon! Try ko lang yon. Wala ako na-meet thru that ad no." Totoo yon. Try ko kung talagang may nagrerespond dun. Di ito sa yahoogroups. May mga mineet din ako pero no sex. Di ko type. or effem. So unproductive yun.
"Ganun? Sinayang mo naman tong tawag ko. Ano? We're both here. We'll just have to meet."
"Hhhmmm..." queen of patutot talaga.
"So?"
"Ganito na lang. We can meet for 10mins. If we click, then we meet again one of these days." ayoko ngang macompromise. One lesson i learned from those EB's was how to turn them down and not waste time.
"Sige. Sa starbucks na lang sa Emerald, ok?"
"Ok."
I was on my way to Starbucks when my phone rang again.
"Hey. San ka?" tanong ni Eric.
"On the way na."
"May problem. I saw some friends sa loob eh. I'm just here outside. Black car ok? Teka kaw ba yang naka white polo?"
"Yup, asan ka?" i scanned and saw a black car ahead. "Kaw ba yan? UTW 252?"
"Yup."
Pagpasok ko nga. Shet. Cute. Pero, pero, pero, pero, pero!!!! i wouldn't let him know that I found him cute ok? Kunwari ok lang. Heheheh. Nice car ha. Remember!! Sabi mo TEN MINUTES!!! sabi ko sa sarili ko. Yon nga. Suplado si gago. Di masyadong tumitingin. So kwentuhan muna kame ng konti. About ourselves. Chu-chu.
"So you do this often?" tanong ko. Meaning yung pagmeet up.
"Yes." monosyllabic talaga to.
That moment, naisip ko. OK LANG NO! Maraming cute diyan. Two minutes to go, before the ten minute deadline!
"Uy, i better get going na. It's getting late. Uy exacto, ten minutes." i gave him a very innocent and sweet smile. "Hey nice meeting you, Eric."
"Taga san ka ba?" it was his time to open something - discussion?
"Diyan lang, magtaxi na lang ako. O pano." tanong ko. Though nakikita ko yung kamay niya na pumunta sa key slot and squeezed it. I felt the Cefiro came to life. And he was steering the wheel far to the other end, to get out of the parking lane that he had been in.
"Uy, teka, baba na ko." kunwari pabiro ko. Pero sa totoo lang. Gusto ko pa siyang makasama. Eh well, i'd rather be dead bago ko ipahalata yon no! May taglay din naman akong kagandahan. I'm decent looking. Straight-acting. Ok naman ako physically. And most of all, I'm content and confident with what I have. So if others don't like me, problema na nila yon. No hang-ups. That's what I am. Pero parang ayaw humiwalay ng pwet ko sa leather seats ng kotse ni Eric.
"Teka dun na muna tayo, baka may makakita sa atin eh."
Ok fine! Sinilip ko muna siya. He's really cute. Mayaman. Boyfriend material talaga. Haba ng buhok ko pagnaging bf ko to. Pero hello??! Wake up! Feeling ko, sa gay world eh may Cinderella at fairy tale din. Having come from a relationship had taught me few nice lessons myself - love thyself, tama na ang self-pity. Self-pity is a luxury fools indulge in. Nung narinig ko yung quote na yon. It really brought me to my senses. Self-pity is a tempting luxury we allow ourselves to be overtaken with! Diba??? Ano ba ang naaachieve ng self-pity? Wala. We keep on finding more and more melodrama sa buhay natin. Para may dumamay sa atin. And we ourselves console ourself. Foolish no??! I thought in times when I want to drown in self-pity, I always have a choice, do i want to indulge in it? or do I want to move on and get real, man! That did me a lot of growing up believe me. Daming oras at panahon na nasasayang by indulging ourselves in self-pity.
Eh anyway! Back to the very nice view. Yung mapuputing kamay ni Eric na nakagrip sa manibela. Shet. Yung simple white Tshirt niya na nakabakat kung gano kaganda ang chest niya. Walang tiyan. Simpleng rugged jeans. And simple sandals.
"Galing ka lang sa bahay niyan?" tanong ko.
"Yup. We have a condo here in Ortigas. But my Dad's away just brought him to the airport this afternoon."
"Ah habang nakikipagtextmate ka, nasa airport ka pala."
Sagot niya was just a smile. Leche ka. Ibaba mo na ko. Ayoko ng matandaan mukha mo. Cute cute mo. Pwede ko naman dakmain eh hehehe. Pero takot lang ako mareject. So I just looked away habang binabaybay namin ang Emerald Ave.
"Hey mahirap sumakay dun. Pwede na siguro ako bumaba diyan." sabi ko. I was sincere this time.
"Teka lang." ang brush off niya sa kin. Medyo naiirita lang ako. Parang fruitless kase eh. Might as well get it done and over with no. Uwi na lang. Pero sa frustration ko, parang gusto ko mangEB na talaga! "So free ka usually after office....?" tanong niya sakin. Uuuyy!! hoping naman ako!!
"Not when I have a class." kainin mo yan. Di ako basta-basta.
"Ah talaga? NagMBA ka?" tanong niya. Parang nag-iba tingin niya sakin. Minsan di ko naman sinasabi, kase baka nakakaintimidate. But I need all the ammunition that I have, right now!!!
"Nope. Not MBA. Mathematics."
"Wow! Talaga?" napatawa siya. Di naman nakakainsulto siguro tawa niya no. "Saan? Ako nagMBA ako." wow, it was my turn to be impressed. It was my turn to smile. I think tama na ang pagcold fish ko, and gave him a sincere smile of admiration. "Math ako." Medyo he loosened up after that. Kala siguro niya I was just some juvenile with nothing to while away my time. I have my goals!
"Sige na baba mo na ko." sabi ko sa kanya.
"Saan ka ba umuuwi?" tanong ni Eric.
"Mandaluyong ako."
"Sige na. Ilalapit na kita sa inyo para di ka mahirapan."
"Uyy bait ha. Kahit Crossing na lang, mas madali sumakay dun." smile lang ako. Pero he's being kind. Ala na siguro next time. Ok, inconvenience yourself. It's gladly appreciated.
Lumiko kame sa San Miguel Ave. hanggang sa makarating ng Shaw. But instead he treaded the flyover. Nyek! "Dun na sa kabila ok lang naman eh." reassured Eric. "Dun pa ako sa may Wak-wak. Kahit dun sa may kanto na lang sa Petron. Bait bait mo ha.Pa-kiss nga."
Yung sincere kong joke ay naging parang bloke ng yelo dahil naging stiff ang panga ko to sustain the smile. EEWWWW!!!!! Di nakatiis!!! Malandi! Hitad! Pokpok! Pakangkangin!! Ano?!! Smile lang sagot no! So much for the walls huh! Wala You gave the game away by that crap! Pa-kiss! Ulol!
"Okie,dude! Salamat! Diyan na lang ako sa kanto." pambawi ko.
Pero parang walang narinig si Eric. Lumiko siya papuntang Wakwak Golf and Country. Wala na ko imik. "So dito kame nakatira." sabi ko nung tumigil na siya sa harap ng building namin. "uy thank you ha. di ka naman siguro maliligaw pabalik no? heheh" smile ko sa kanya. Wala ng halong pananabik. Wala lang. Thankful lang talaga ko. Pero alam ko, that was our last time to meet. Cold fish ako. Siya isang ring cold fish. Suplado. Di ko ata kaya mag-initiate, for the life of me! Masyado pa akong bagito sa EB-EB na to.
"Aren't you going to invite me up? hinatid kita." sabi niya. Poker-faced si gago.Ako naman my throat suddenly became so dry di ako makalunok ng laway. My inay! Shet pula ng lips niya. Pero talaga, wala namang mangyayari kase kasama ko parents ko no.
"Ah you like? Sige dun tayo sa amin magcoffee. Pero pasensiya ka na ha, medyo nosy parents ko eh. Baka chikahin ka. Park muna tayo dun. Samahan kita para di ka singilin ng parking." offer ko. It was around 8 na rin. Medyo late na ako nakauwi. Di ko alam kung anong ginagawa sa taas. "Ok lang ba sabihin ko na classmate kita?" he just answered with a shrug.
Paglabas niya sa kotse saka ko lang talaga nakita kung gano siya ka-striking. Dun ako kinabahan. Shet. Potah!! He's really too cute for me, isip ko. Simple cropped hair na medyo brown ng unti. Macho si gago. Bakit ba naman kase sumama-sama pa eh. Ewan ko ba, for the life of me, di ko na naisip ang possibility na may mangyari sa amin.
Pagpasok namin sa bahay, tahimik. We don't usually entertain our guests sa sala. We usually bring them inside the rooms, ganun talaga sa bahay. Kahit kapatid ko sa room sila tambay. Visitors lang ng parents ko ang ineentertain sa sala. So dinala ko si Eric sa room. Asked him to sit lang. Di naman siguro to magnanakaw ng gamit no. Besides wala naman mananakaw sa room ko. So I went to the kitchen and boiled water and made brewed coffee. Nilagyan ko pa ng almond syrup ng kaunti and brought the tray sa loob ng room. Sa totoo lang, i must have been naive or what. Pero sex is the farthest from my mind. Isip ko lang was bisita siya. Pano siya ientertain. CD? Music? Nood movie? TV?
And he was there. Natutulog. Nawala ako ng mga 10mins or so. He must have been so tired galing sa airport. Eh anong gagawin ko? Pinagmasdan ko lang muna siya. Cute. And he's on my bed, literally.
Dahan-dahan, hnawakan ko yung paa niya at finoot-massage ko siya. Mukhang tulog naman. I got alcohol and put some on his feet tapos I rubbed it. My hands travelled pataas so i was massaging his thighs na...kneecaps...tapos hita...I stopped from there and went to massage his arms...tapos shoulders. I wanted to make it good, baka somehow he'd like me, maging jowa ko pa. Ching! Baka masweetan siya sa kin for doing that. Wasn't planning anything talaga. I had not stopped to think bakit nga siya sumama sa bahay eh. It must have been the exhilirating feeling na ang cute ng kasama ko. I turned to the other arm tapos minassage ko rin. I massaged his nape down to the shoulders.
I was looking at his face. It's not everyday that some guy like this goes home with me. And that moment it struck me. Kung tsupain ko kaya siya, ok lang? Hello! Sumama kaya siya dito! Meaning open siya kung may mangyari sa amin. Eh tulog nga eh. Siguro kahit kiss lang sa noo...or sa cheeks...or sa lips...
Iniisip ko pa lang. Nahihiya ako eh.
Putanginang gulat ko na lang ng hawakan niya isang kamay ko. Ang bilis. At dinala niya sa crotch niya. Napatingin ako sa kamay ko. It was on top of something really really hard! Napa-"O" ang bibig ko looking at it. And I looked at him, medyo nakadilat na ang kanyang mga chinitong mata. At unti-unting ngumisi. At inginuso niya ang kanyang tigas na tigas na tite sa loob ng maong niya.
"Are you sure?" uncertain ko pang tanong. Sarap batukan no?
Parang sagot naman sa tanong ko ang pagtanggal niya ng button. Pero nakita ko na ibababa na niya yugn zipper, i stopped him.
I wanted to be the one to do it.
Hinawi ko ang top ng maong at tanging hook na lang ng zipper ang nasa pagitan ng daliri ko. Nakikita ko ang maputi niyang puson na sprinkled with fine hairs. Binaba ko pa ng kaunti at nakikita ko na ang anino ng ulo ng uten ni Eric. Pinasasabi ko talaga ang sarili ko. Binaba ko pa ng kaunti at tumambad na ang ulo. Mamula-mula ang ulo. Napatuwad ako para amoy-amuyin to. Shet. Handa si gago. Ang bango. May pabango. Nilabas ko ang dila ko para lawayan ang ulo na namumula na sa galit. At sinubo ko yon na parang cherry at binabad sa bibig. Ang dila ko naman ay paikot ikot sa ulo. Tumingala ako at nakita ko Eric na namimilipit ang mukha niya. Bumaba ang dila ko sabay sa paghila baba ng zipper. Bumaba ito para dilaan ang medyo kalahati ng shaft ng titi ni Eric. Nakita ko na napatingala siya at napabilog ang bibig niya. Bumalik ako sa ulo ng titi ni Eric at nalasahan ko na may kaunting pre-cum na siya. Utog na utog ang gago. Ako din ay init na init na.
Binaba ko bigla ang pantalon ni Eric at ngayon tumambad na sa kin ang maputi niyang hita. Nagdive ako sa kanyang bayag at pinaglawa yon sa laway sa kakasibasib ko ng dila ko. Talaga namang napaangat ang puwet ni Eric sa ginawa kong iyon. Dinilaan ko ang paligid ng titi niya, saka ko biglang isinubo yon ng buong buo. Mahigpit. Madulas. Mainit. Naramdaman kong biglang sumakit ang ulo ko. Sinasabunutan ako ni Eric, na talaga namang nagpainit sa kin lalo na pagbutihin ang pagtatrabaho. Hinimas-himas ko ang hita ni Eric habang naka-clamp ang dick niya sa bibig ko. Ang isa kong kamay naman ay nagtravel pataas sa loob ng kanyang Tshirt at nilamas lamas ko ang malaman niyang dibdib. Di na ko ang pamaria-clara epek kanina. Tangina ka.
"Saaraaapp" mahinang-mahinang sabi ni Eric.
That moment, inilayo ni Eric ang ulo ko sa titi niya at hinubad ng tuluyan ang pantalon niya at Tshirt. Umupo sa tabi ng kama. At humihingal.
Ako naman napatingin lang sa kanya. "Hey, are you ok?"
"Wait lang. Gago ka lalabasan ako agad."
Napangiti lang ako at naghubad na ng t-shirt at pants. Hinalikan ko ang batok niya na nakaharap sakin. Sinibasib ko rin ang balikat niya. It was then that he turned to face me at pinned me onto the bed and kissed me sa lips. Shet! Sarap. Nararamdaman ko pa ng kaunti ang stubbles niya na talaga namang nagpapaboil ng dugo ko. Bumaba ang bibig niya down to my nipples. AAAHHAAAWWWW...He was playing it rough on me, putcha... i was so sure mamumula ng husto dibdib ko sa roughness niya. it was so hot!!! Then he turned to burry his face sa leeg ko. Nampucha!!!! AAAAHH!!!! I've seen this everywhere sa movie na yung guy is in the crook of your neck...Pucha ang G-SPOT ko!
May sinasabi siya eh...di ko lang maintindihan...
"Ano yon?" bulong ko sa kanya.
"I said, can I fuck you..." sabi ni Eric. Ang sarap sarap ng ginagawa niya sa tenga ko...pisngi ko...sa lips ko...ang bango ng hininga niya...lambot ng lips niya. Without waiting for my answer, itinaas na niya sa balikat niya ang legs ko at nakita ko siyang nakatingin sa kin waring sinasabi "ayaw mo man o sa hindi kakantutin kita". Sabay sa pagsisid niya para halikan ako sabay naman ang pagulos ng ulo ng titi niya papasok sa pwet ko. Napangiwi ako sa hapdi. Hinugot niya uli at nilagyan ng maraming laway ang pwet ko at fininger. Sobrang libog ni Eric. Kitang-kita sa pamumula ng mukha niya at katawan. Sa puntong into, bigla niyang pinasok ang titi niya ng walang pasakalye. Puta! Ang sakit! Parang mapupunit na hindi ko maintindihan. Nakita ni Eric ang sakit sa mukha ko. Kaya hindi muna siya gumalaw at sinimulang halikan uli ako sa lips...sa leeg...sa pisngi...na nagpalimot sa kin ng sakit. Maya maya ay unti-unting ipinasok ng tuluyan ni Eric ang kargada niya sa loob ko. Putangina! Sinasagad niya hanggang dulo! Dahan dahan din niyang huhugutin upang dahan dahan ding ibaon ng pagkabaon baon. Tangina. Wala ng sakit masyado. Ang sarap. Dahan dahan lang ang pagkantot sa akin ni Eric. Pero talaga namang parang aabot sa bituka ko ang pilit na pagbaon ng titi ni Eric. Parang may inaabot! Parang bawat pagbaon niya ay palalim ng palalim.
"Your ass is so tight. I want to fuck you all night." sabay kagat sa pisngi ko. BAsang basa na siguro ang tenga at leeg ko sa kakasibasib niya. "I want to fuck you again and again and again..." di ko na maprocess ng mga time na yon kung anong implication niya dun. Pero inaanticipate ko ang bawat pagpasok at pagbaon ni Eric sa akin.
Ngayon ng hugutin ni Eric nang dahan-dahan ang titi niya. Binigla niya ako sa mabilis na pagbaon ng malalim na malalim sa loob ng pwet ko. Hinugot niya uli ng dahan dahan at mabilis at malakas na naghome-run. AAAHH!! PAKINSYET!!! Mababaliw ako!
Naging mabibilis at mabababaw ang pag-ulos ni Eric na talaga namang nag-iba ang sensation. Expert tong gago to ah.
Tumigil si Eric at pinatayo ako at pinatalikod. Di muna pinasok ni Eric ang titi niya at hinahalik-halikan ako sa balikat at sa batok na nakakabaliw. Naramdaman ko na lang na itinurok uli ni Eric ang titi niya at sinimulan na naman akong kantutin. Malalalim. I was really lost in what he was doing to me. Inihook na ni Eric ang braso niya sa kilili ko at sinapo ang balikat ko. Shet! He was fucking me so hard, i couldn't think!
"AAAHHHH FUCK!!! I'M CUMMING !!! FUCK!!! AAHHHH"
Nakatingala lang ako sa kisame at ninamnam ang mga sandaling iyon.
Dinaganan lang ako ni Eric padapa sa kama habang nakapasok pa rin ang titi niya na matigas pa rin kahit nilabasan na. Minsan umuulos pa rin papasok pawang pinipiga ang katas niya. Pinagdidiskitahan pa rin niya ang likod at batok ko.
"Enjoy mo?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagkiss sa likod ko.
"Hindi eh. Siguro kailangan isa pang round."
Tangina ang libog. Naka isa pang round si Eric sa akin. Ako naman nakapagpalabas while he was face-fucking me. Super enjoy yung night na yon. My parents arrived mga before 12 nasa Megamall pala sila.
Naulit pa ang sex namin ni Eric, for more than six months. Di ako nakikipagsex sa iba kahit wala kaming commitment ni Eric. Eric and I got to know each other more over time ng pagiging "fuck-buddies" namin. In other words, I fell in love with him, in a way. Kahit paano umasa na maging kame. Pero on the otherside, ayoko rin. Parang gusto ko lagi lang siya andiyan. Gusto ko maging magkaibigan kme. Pero whenever I would start a personal inquiry, kita ko na medyo uncomfortable siya. He had not given much away for me to really know him. Nalaman ko kahit papaano ang mood swings niya. Ilang ugali niya. Yon nga lang. No personal details. He had never volunteered to suck me. But I know, he enjoyed me a lot that he kept me for himself for those times. He would suspect I was meeting other guys. Gustong gusto kong sabihin sa kanya, I CAN'T COZ I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! Sabi ko lang na, "Eric, hawak mo oras ko. Alam mo schedule ko. I never told you I was too busy to meet you. How can I even think of meeting other guys."
But ako, di ko hawak oras niya. If he chooses na he was not ready for that kind of intimacy, then fine. But i knew in my heart, there was something very genuine that was building up. But even without words, I know, he felt, that I was always there, just waiting for him, to open up. I had seen it in his eyes. Ayaw lang niya ko iconfront kase di pa siya ready. But he had not heard any pressures from me. Mabait naman siya. And if i concluded right, i think there was a brink when he almost gave away what he really felt for me and what he really would have wanted to happen between us. It was unfair. But i thought it was better than not having the moments for me to treasure.
But those moments abruptly stopped dead one day. And another day. And another day. i tried calling his cellular phone, but my call was rejected. He knew I tried calling. I had hoped for a follow up. But days passed. Weeks passed. A month passed. He just disappeared. Nothing. I don't know if it was pride or self-preservation that kept me from bugging him. Which up to now, I know was the best thing I did. But my heart, waited. And waited. Like a forlorn lover. It had robbed me my heart. Until I didn't want to use it anymore. My days went by without any emotions. Parang robbot ba. Kase if I start feeling anything, kahit awa sa officemate ko. I'd just feel pain. Pain together with a picture of his face, forever imprinted on my mind. I would always look at a black car hoping it was him. Every car park. Every road. My heart was mourning for the loss. It was like losing someone in the war, not knowing if he's alive or not. What happened. And they are all bottled inside this tortured heart.
One day after three months. I saw him sa Alabang Town Center. Inside Tequila Joe's. The world stopped and all the pain that I had kept inside wanted to burst and bleed inside the restaurant. I was with a group of straight friends. He looked at me across the room.
"Friday's na lang tayo gusto nyo?" i asked my friends. Di ko kaya. Mahal dito, sabi ko. Kunwari tawa pa kame ng tawa, just to hide the thousand knifes pinned right through and through me.
"Cge tingnan natin." agreed a friend.
We went to Friday's and everything went silent. Wala akong naririnig but my own pain inside. Pain of seeing him again. I had not admitted that I truly loved him before he had left, but the moment I knew that i had lost him. I knew. I loved him so much, even if i had stopped myself from doing so. The sight of him was such a shock, like a knife slicing through my ribs, into my the center of my heart. May family siya. He's got a a kid who's like five years old. And an infant na karga ng wife niya. I wanted to go home and weep. Not for finding out that he's married. But the pain of how easy it was for him to just leave and move on. I am a decent person. What we had was six months. There had been no commitment, but still, sabi nga ni Cameron Diaz sa Vanilla Sky, sleeping with someone gives an unspoken commitment, much more if it dragged for half a year. I knew the risks of heartbreak and loss. But a deliberate walking out without a word. It's like playing with someone else's feelings. I need not say it, but he owed something to me. Explanation.
"Tol, me tumatawag sayo." sabi ni Jeric, friend ko, jolting me out of my reverie. He pointed out to a man outside Friday's. He looked great as ever. I told myself, i am a mature person. I must handle this, like the person i perceived and prepared myself to be.
"UUYY!!!! musta!!!" masayang bati ko ke Eric. "Nawala ka ah. Balita?"
He asked me if we can talk sa malapit sa parking. So we did.
"Kita nga kita kanina. Wife mo ba yon?" kunwari very nonchalant ako.
"Jus, stop it."
He called me by that name. And stop I did. I knew if I stopped, the pain will replace it. And pain dwelled for the most painful moment. "Ok, Eric, what did you want to say..." serious na ko. Nakatingin ako sa kanya.
"Musta ka na." tanong lang ni Jason.
"What do you think?" I paused. "Ineexpect mo ba na kulitin kita? Sorry. You left without a word. You didn't give me that much decency. And the last thing I want to give you now is the luxury of knowing how much you've hurt me. Because you did. And that's the end of it. But you know what, if you're talking to me just to assuage your conscience and your guilt, sorry but you'll have to do that on your own. I can't stay long, but I'm thankful for this opportunity coz somehow I can close my book and move on."
It was the most painful point. Walking away. With my heart numb. Yet i knew that time, had i felt anything i'd have broken down to that little child I really was when it came to the game of love and cry and cry and cry. I drove and drove that night, left my friends with a plausible excuse. I did a lot of soul-searching. Not self-pity. But in my time alone, i set the floodgates free and let all my tears flow...flow till there was no more. Till I was tired of crying. Crying not for a loss. But crying just to let pent up emotions free.
That night I went home. Everyone was asleep. I changed. I went to my parents' room, snuggled up with my Mom and my Dad. And slept soundly for the first time in a long while.
THE END
Pero suplado. I think i should read the signs. Walang imik. Parang deadma.
Kaninang umaga ko lang nakilala si Eric. Nagtext siya sakin na may nagbigay daw ng business card ko sa kanya. Asuuusss!!!
"Sorry, i'm working and i'm not into that kind of stuff." ang text back ko lang sa kanya.
Ang reply niya lang sa kin ay simpleng "K". Ewan ko ba pero eto ang pinakanakakairiting reply anyone can give to me. Pero ako deadma lang. Burado ka na dahil sa "K" na yan. Pero after an hour or so, nagtext na naman ang gago.
"Wazzup? San ka nagwowork?" tanong niya.
Deadma ako. Maganda. After an hour, nagtext back ako. "Anong age mo ba? Taga saan ka?"
"I'm Eric 29yo from Pasig. 5'9" 145lbs gym fit. Chinese-mestizo." sabi naman niya.
Di ako reply. Talagang PATUTOT talaga. Gusto ko naman eh. Pero mahirap na. This text just came from nowhere no. Baka mamaya eh may nanghuhuli lang sa kin or something. Basta.
Text naman siya maya-maya. "Wanna meet for coffee sometime? Wala lang. Bored lang ako. Gusto ko lang may makausap."
Ewan ko. Parang kinilig ako eh. Minsan, sa dami ng mga kausap mong sex agad ang punto, you come to take for granted pag-invite ka for something cozy. Yun bang may room pa for mystery. And hindi yung cards mo are all out in the open, no?
"K" my turn to give that irritating reply.
Dami work that day kaya natabunan na siya. La ako panahon sa mga business card daw nakuha number ko asus. Dami kailangan icheck, i-verify. Came 5pm, i received a missed call sa cell ko. Siya. Deadma!
I continued working. Till 7pm ng gabi. Gutom na ko. I might as well go home. i prepared my things na. So I brushed my teeth sa pantry. Washed my face. When i got back, nagbiblink ang phone ko. I hate the sound of cellphones ringing saka yung message alert tone. Kaya lagi siyang naka-vibra mode lang. Ano ka. Di ko ginagamit yung vibra for other things 'no!
"Hello?" sagot ko sa call.
"Uy. Musta. Bakit di ka nagrereply?" tanong ni Eric.
"Busy sa work eh. Why?"
"Tinatanong kita kung gusto mo magcoffee eh."
"Ay ganon?Tonight ba? Kase pauwi na ko eh."
"Ah ok. San ka ba nagwowork?"
"Ortigas, kaw ba walang work?"
"Ortigas? Good andito lang ako sa ortigas center. Meet na tayo sandali. Ano?"
Out of the plan to ah. Di ko alam isasagot ko that time. Pero what the heck. But i really couldn't stay long.
"Ganon? Eh di mo pa nga ako kilala eh. How would you be sure you'd like my company? Same goes for me too, diba?"
"Ok lang yan." sabi ni Eric.
"Kase I really don't meet up with someone who just came out of nowhere eh." patutot ko.
"Ok, fine. Actually, the truth is..." pabitin ni Eric.
"Ano..."
"Ok, actually the truth is, i didn't get your number from a business card."
"I know....So san?"
"Nagpost ka 6months ago diba? isang ad?"
"Aaahhh! okey. Wala yon! Try ko lang yon. Wala ako na-meet thru that ad no." Totoo yon. Try ko kung talagang may nagrerespond dun. Di ito sa yahoogroups. May mga mineet din ako pero no sex. Di ko type. or effem. So unproductive yun.
"Ganun? Sinayang mo naman tong tawag ko. Ano? We're both here. We'll just have to meet."
"Hhhmmm..." queen of patutot talaga.
"So?"
"Ganito na lang. We can meet for 10mins. If we click, then we meet again one of these days." ayoko ngang macompromise. One lesson i learned from those EB's was how to turn them down and not waste time.
"Sige. Sa starbucks na lang sa Emerald, ok?"
"Ok."
I was on my way to Starbucks when my phone rang again.
"Hey. San ka?" tanong ni Eric.
"On the way na."
"May problem. I saw some friends sa loob eh. I'm just here outside. Black car ok? Teka kaw ba yang naka white polo?"
"Yup, asan ka?" i scanned and saw a black car ahead. "Kaw ba yan? UTW 252?"
"Yup."
Pagpasok ko nga. Shet. Cute. Pero, pero, pero, pero, pero!!!! i wouldn't let him know that I found him cute ok? Kunwari ok lang. Heheheh. Nice car ha. Remember!! Sabi mo TEN MINUTES!!! sabi ko sa sarili ko. Yon nga. Suplado si gago. Di masyadong tumitingin. So kwentuhan muna kame ng konti. About ourselves. Chu-chu.
"So you do this often?" tanong ko. Meaning yung pagmeet up.
"Yes." monosyllabic talaga to.
That moment, naisip ko. OK LANG NO! Maraming cute diyan. Two minutes to go, before the ten minute deadline!
"Uy, i better get going na. It's getting late. Uy exacto, ten minutes." i gave him a very innocent and sweet smile. "Hey nice meeting you, Eric."
"Taga san ka ba?" it was his time to open something - discussion?
"Diyan lang, magtaxi na lang ako. O pano." tanong ko. Though nakikita ko yung kamay niya na pumunta sa key slot and squeezed it. I felt the Cefiro came to life. And he was steering the wheel far to the other end, to get out of the parking lane that he had been in.
"Uy, teka, baba na ko." kunwari pabiro ko. Pero sa totoo lang. Gusto ko pa siyang makasama. Eh well, i'd rather be dead bago ko ipahalata yon no! May taglay din naman akong kagandahan. I'm decent looking. Straight-acting. Ok naman ako physically. And most of all, I'm content and confident with what I have. So if others don't like me, problema na nila yon. No hang-ups. That's what I am. Pero parang ayaw humiwalay ng pwet ko sa leather seats ng kotse ni Eric.
"Teka dun na muna tayo, baka may makakita sa atin eh."
Ok fine! Sinilip ko muna siya. He's really cute. Mayaman. Boyfriend material talaga. Haba ng buhok ko pagnaging bf ko to. Pero hello??! Wake up! Feeling ko, sa gay world eh may Cinderella at fairy tale din. Having come from a relationship had taught me few nice lessons myself - love thyself, tama na ang self-pity. Self-pity is a luxury fools indulge in. Nung narinig ko yung quote na yon. It really brought me to my senses. Self-pity is a tempting luxury we allow ourselves to be overtaken with! Diba??? Ano ba ang naaachieve ng self-pity? Wala. We keep on finding more and more melodrama sa buhay natin. Para may dumamay sa atin. And we ourselves console ourself. Foolish no??! I thought in times when I want to drown in self-pity, I always have a choice, do i want to indulge in it? or do I want to move on and get real, man! That did me a lot of growing up believe me. Daming oras at panahon na nasasayang by indulging ourselves in self-pity.
Eh anyway! Back to the very nice view. Yung mapuputing kamay ni Eric na nakagrip sa manibela. Shet. Yung simple white Tshirt niya na nakabakat kung gano kaganda ang chest niya. Walang tiyan. Simpleng rugged jeans. And simple sandals.
"Galing ka lang sa bahay niyan?" tanong ko.
"Yup. We have a condo here in Ortigas. But my Dad's away just brought him to the airport this afternoon."
"Ah habang nakikipagtextmate ka, nasa airport ka pala."
Sagot niya was just a smile. Leche ka. Ibaba mo na ko. Ayoko ng matandaan mukha mo. Cute cute mo. Pwede ko naman dakmain eh hehehe. Pero takot lang ako mareject. So I just looked away habang binabaybay namin ang Emerald Ave.
"Hey mahirap sumakay dun. Pwede na siguro ako bumaba diyan." sabi ko. I was sincere this time.
"Teka lang." ang brush off niya sa kin. Medyo naiirita lang ako. Parang fruitless kase eh. Might as well get it done and over with no. Uwi na lang. Pero sa frustration ko, parang gusto ko mangEB na talaga! "So free ka usually after office....?" tanong niya sakin. Uuuyy!! hoping naman ako!!
"Not when I have a class." kainin mo yan. Di ako basta-basta.
"Ah talaga? NagMBA ka?" tanong niya. Parang nag-iba tingin niya sakin. Minsan di ko naman sinasabi, kase baka nakakaintimidate. But I need all the ammunition that I have, right now!!!
"Nope. Not MBA. Mathematics."
"Wow! Talaga?" napatawa siya. Di naman nakakainsulto siguro tawa niya no. "Saan? Ako nagMBA ako." wow, it was my turn to be impressed. It was my turn to smile. I think tama na ang pagcold fish ko, and gave him a sincere smile of admiration. "Math ako." Medyo he loosened up after that. Kala siguro niya I was just some juvenile with nothing to while away my time. I have my goals!
"Sige na baba mo na ko." sabi ko sa kanya.
"Saan ka ba umuuwi?" tanong ni Eric.
"Mandaluyong ako."
"Sige na. Ilalapit na kita sa inyo para di ka mahirapan."
"Uyy bait ha. Kahit Crossing na lang, mas madali sumakay dun." smile lang ako. Pero he's being kind. Ala na siguro next time. Ok, inconvenience yourself. It's gladly appreciated.
Lumiko kame sa San Miguel Ave. hanggang sa makarating ng Shaw. But instead he treaded the flyover. Nyek! "Dun na sa kabila ok lang naman eh." reassured Eric. "Dun pa ako sa may Wak-wak. Kahit dun sa may kanto na lang sa Petron. Bait bait mo ha.Pa-kiss nga."
Yung sincere kong joke ay naging parang bloke ng yelo dahil naging stiff ang panga ko to sustain the smile. EEWWWW!!!!! Di nakatiis!!! Malandi! Hitad! Pokpok! Pakangkangin!! Ano?!! Smile lang sagot no! So much for the walls huh! Wala You gave the game away by that crap! Pa-kiss! Ulol!
"Okie,dude! Salamat! Diyan na lang ako sa kanto." pambawi ko.
Pero parang walang narinig si Eric. Lumiko siya papuntang Wakwak Golf and Country. Wala na ko imik. "So dito kame nakatira." sabi ko nung tumigil na siya sa harap ng building namin. "uy thank you ha. di ka naman siguro maliligaw pabalik no? heheh" smile ko sa kanya. Wala ng halong pananabik. Wala lang. Thankful lang talaga ko. Pero alam ko, that was our last time to meet. Cold fish ako. Siya isang ring cold fish. Suplado. Di ko ata kaya mag-initiate, for the life of me! Masyado pa akong bagito sa EB-EB na to.
"Aren't you going to invite me up? hinatid kita." sabi niya. Poker-faced si gago.Ako naman my throat suddenly became so dry di ako makalunok ng laway. My inay! Shet pula ng lips niya. Pero talaga, wala namang mangyayari kase kasama ko parents ko no.
"Ah you like? Sige dun tayo sa amin magcoffee. Pero pasensiya ka na ha, medyo nosy parents ko eh. Baka chikahin ka. Park muna tayo dun. Samahan kita para di ka singilin ng parking." offer ko. It was around 8 na rin. Medyo late na ako nakauwi. Di ko alam kung anong ginagawa sa taas. "Ok lang ba sabihin ko na classmate kita?" he just answered with a shrug.
Paglabas niya sa kotse saka ko lang talaga nakita kung gano siya ka-striking. Dun ako kinabahan. Shet. Potah!! He's really too cute for me, isip ko. Simple cropped hair na medyo brown ng unti. Macho si gago. Bakit ba naman kase sumama-sama pa eh. Ewan ko ba, for the life of me, di ko na naisip ang possibility na may mangyari sa amin.
Pagpasok namin sa bahay, tahimik. We don't usually entertain our guests sa sala. We usually bring them inside the rooms, ganun talaga sa bahay. Kahit kapatid ko sa room sila tambay. Visitors lang ng parents ko ang ineentertain sa sala. So dinala ko si Eric sa room. Asked him to sit lang. Di naman siguro to magnanakaw ng gamit no. Besides wala naman mananakaw sa room ko. So I went to the kitchen and boiled water and made brewed coffee. Nilagyan ko pa ng almond syrup ng kaunti and brought the tray sa loob ng room. Sa totoo lang, i must have been naive or what. Pero sex is the farthest from my mind. Isip ko lang was bisita siya. Pano siya ientertain. CD? Music? Nood movie? TV?
And he was there. Natutulog. Nawala ako ng mga 10mins or so. He must have been so tired galing sa airport. Eh anong gagawin ko? Pinagmasdan ko lang muna siya. Cute. And he's on my bed, literally.
Dahan-dahan, hnawakan ko yung paa niya at finoot-massage ko siya. Mukhang tulog naman. I got alcohol and put some on his feet tapos I rubbed it. My hands travelled pataas so i was massaging his thighs na...kneecaps...tapos hita...I stopped from there and went to massage his arms...tapos shoulders. I wanted to make it good, baka somehow he'd like me, maging jowa ko pa. Ching! Baka masweetan siya sa kin for doing that. Wasn't planning anything talaga. I had not stopped to think bakit nga siya sumama sa bahay eh. It must have been the exhilirating feeling na ang cute ng kasama ko. I turned to the other arm tapos minassage ko rin. I massaged his nape down to the shoulders.
I was looking at his face. It's not everyday that some guy like this goes home with me. And that moment it struck me. Kung tsupain ko kaya siya, ok lang? Hello! Sumama kaya siya dito! Meaning open siya kung may mangyari sa amin. Eh tulog nga eh. Siguro kahit kiss lang sa noo...or sa cheeks...or sa lips...
Iniisip ko pa lang. Nahihiya ako eh.
Putanginang gulat ko na lang ng hawakan niya isang kamay ko. Ang bilis. At dinala niya sa crotch niya. Napatingin ako sa kamay ko. It was on top of something really really hard! Napa-"O" ang bibig ko looking at it. And I looked at him, medyo nakadilat na ang kanyang mga chinitong mata. At unti-unting ngumisi. At inginuso niya ang kanyang tigas na tigas na tite sa loob ng maong niya.
"Are you sure?" uncertain ko pang tanong. Sarap batukan no?
Parang sagot naman sa tanong ko ang pagtanggal niya ng button. Pero nakita ko na ibababa na niya yugn zipper, i stopped him.
I wanted to be the one to do it.
Hinawi ko ang top ng maong at tanging hook na lang ng zipper ang nasa pagitan ng daliri ko. Nakikita ko ang maputi niyang puson na sprinkled with fine hairs. Binaba ko pa ng kaunti at nakikita ko na ang anino ng ulo ng uten ni Eric. Pinasasabi ko talaga ang sarili ko. Binaba ko pa ng kaunti at tumambad na ang ulo. Mamula-mula ang ulo. Napatuwad ako para amoy-amuyin to. Shet. Handa si gago. Ang bango. May pabango. Nilabas ko ang dila ko para lawayan ang ulo na namumula na sa galit. At sinubo ko yon na parang cherry at binabad sa bibig. Ang dila ko naman ay paikot ikot sa ulo. Tumingala ako at nakita ko Eric na namimilipit ang mukha niya. Bumaba ang dila ko sabay sa paghila baba ng zipper. Bumaba ito para dilaan ang medyo kalahati ng shaft ng titi ni Eric. Nakita ko na napatingala siya at napabilog ang bibig niya. Bumalik ako sa ulo ng titi ni Eric at nalasahan ko na may kaunting pre-cum na siya. Utog na utog ang gago. Ako din ay init na init na.
Binaba ko bigla ang pantalon ni Eric at ngayon tumambad na sa kin ang maputi niyang hita. Nagdive ako sa kanyang bayag at pinaglawa yon sa laway sa kakasibasib ko ng dila ko. Talaga namang napaangat ang puwet ni Eric sa ginawa kong iyon. Dinilaan ko ang paligid ng titi niya, saka ko biglang isinubo yon ng buong buo. Mahigpit. Madulas. Mainit. Naramdaman kong biglang sumakit ang ulo ko. Sinasabunutan ako ni Eric, na talaga namang nagpainit sa kin lalo na pagbutihin ang pagtatrabaho. Hinimas-himas ko ang hita ni Eric habang naka-clamp ang dick niya sa bibig ko. Ang isa kong kamay naman ay nagtravel pataas sa loob ng kanyang Tshirt at nilamas lamas ko ang malaman niyang dibdib. Di na ko ang pamaria-clara epek kanina. Tangina ka.
"Saaraaapp" mahinang-mahinang sabi ni Eric.
That moment, inilayo ni Eric ang ulo ko sa titi niya at hinubad ng tuluyan ang pantalon niya at Tshirt. Umupo sa tabi ng kama. At humihingal.
Ako naman napatingin lang sa kanya. "Hey, are you ok?"
"Wait lang. Gago ka lalabasan ako agad."
Napangiti lang ako at naghubad na ng t-shirt at pants. Hinalikan ko ang batok niya na nakaharap sakin. Sinibasib ko rin ang balikat niya. It was then that he turned to face me at pinned me onto the bed and kissed me sa lips. Shet! Sarap. Nararamdaman ko pa ng kaunti ang stubbles niya na talaga namang nagpapaboil ng dugo ko. Bumaba ang bibig niya down to my nipples. AAAHHAAAWWWW...He was playing it rough on me, putcha... i was so sure mamumula ng husto dibdib ko sa roughness niya. it was so hot!!! Then he turned to burry his face sa leeg ko. Nampucha!!!! AAAAHH!!!! I've seen this everywhere sa movie na yung guy is in the crook of your neck...Pucha ang G-SPOT ko!
May sinasabi siya eh...di ko lang maintindihan...
"Ano yon?" bulong ko sa kanya.
"I said, can I fuck you..." sabi ni Eric. Ang sarap sarap ng ginagawa niya sa tenga ko...pisngi ko...sa lips ko...ang bango ng hininga niya...lambot ng lips niya. Without waiting for my answer, itinaas na niya sa balikat niya ang legs ko at nakita ko siyang nakatingin sa kin waring sinasabi "ayaw mo man o sa hindi kakantutin kita". Sabay sa pagsisid niya para halikan ako sabay naman ang pagulos ng ulo ng titi niya papasok sa pwet ko. Napangiwi ako sa hapdi. Hinugot niya uli at nilagyan ng maraming laway ang pwet ko at fininger. Sobrang libog ni Eric. Kitang-kita sa pamumula ng mukha niya at katawan. Sa puntong into, bigla niyang pinasok ang titi niya ng walang pasakalye. Puta! Ang sakit! Parang mapupunit na hindi ko maintindihan. Nakita ni Eric ang sakit sa mukha ko. Kaya hindi muna siya gumalaw at sinimulang halikan uli ako sa lips...sa leeg...sa pisngi...na nagpalimot sa kin ng sakit. Maya maya ay unti-unting ipinasok ng tuluyan ni Eric ang kargada niya sa loob ko. Putangina! Sinasagad niya hanggang dulo! Dahan dahan din niyang huhugutin upang dahan dahan ding ibaon ng pagkabaon baon. Tangina. Wala ng sakit masyado. Ang sarap. Dahan dahan lang ang pagkantot sa akin ni Eric. Pero talaga namang parang aabot sa bituka ko ang pilit na pagbaon ng titi ni Eric. Parang may inaabot! Parang bawat pagbaon niya ay palalim ng palalim.
"Your ass is so tight. I want to fuck you all night." sabay kagat sa pisngi ko. BAsang basa na siguro ang tenga at leeg ko sa kakasibasib niya. "I want to fuck you again and again and again..." di ko na maprocess ng mga time na yon kung anong implication niya dun. Pero inaanticipate ko ang bawat pagpasok at pagbaon ni Eric sa akin.
Ngayon ng hugutin ni Eric nang dahan-dahan ang titi niya. Binigla niya ako sa mabilis na pagbaon ng malalim na malalim sa loob ng pwet ko. Hinugot niya uli ng dahan dahan at mabilis at malakas na naghome-run. AAAHH!! PAKINSYET!!! Mababaliw ako!
Naging mabibilis at mabababaw ang pag-ulos ni Eric na talaga namang nag-iba ang sensation. Expert tong gago to ah.
Tumigil si Eric at pinatayo ako at pinatalikod. Di muna pinasok ni Eric ang titi niya at hinahalik-halikan ako sa balikat at sa batok na nakakabaliw. Naramdaman ko na lang na itinurok uli ni Eric ang titi niya at sinimulan na naman akong kantutin. Malalalim. I was really lost in what he was doing to me. Inihook na ni Eric ang braso niya sa kilili ko at sinapo ang balikat ko. Shet! He was fucking me so hard, i couldn't think!
"AAAHHHH FUCK!!! I'M CUMMING !!! FUCK!!! AAHHHH"
Nakatingala lang ako sa kisame at ninamnam ang mga sandaling iyon.
Dinaganan lang ako ni Eric padapa sa kama habang nakapasok pa rin ang titi niya na matigas pa rin kahit nilabasan na. Minsan umuulos pa rin papasok pawang pinipiga ang katas niya. Pinagdidiskitahan pa rin niya ang likod at batok ko.
"Enjoy mo?" Tanong ko sa kanya. Patuloy pa rin siya sa pagkiss sa likod ko.
"Hindi eh. Siguro kailangan isa pang round."
Tangina ang libog. Naka isa pang round si Eric sa akin. Ako naman nakapagpalabas while he was face-fucking me. Super enjoy yung night na yon. My parents arrived mga before 12 nasa Megamall pala sila.
Naulit pa ang sex namin ni Eric, for more than six months. Di ako nakikipagsex sa iba kahit wala kaming commitment ni Eric. Eric and I got to know each other more over time ng pagiging "fuck-buddies" namin. In other words, I fell in love with him, in a way. Kahit paano umasa na maging kame. Pero on the otherside, ayoko rin. Parang gusto ko lagi lang siya andiyan. Gusto ko maging magkaibigan kme. Pero whenever I would start a personal inquiry, kita ko na medyo uncomfortable siya. He had not given much away for me to really know him. Nalaman ko kahit papaano ang mood swings niya. Ilang ugali niya. Yon nga lang. No personal details. He had never volunteered to suck me. But I know, he enjoyed me a lot that he kept me for himself for those times. He would suspect I was meeting other guys. Gustong gusto kong sabihin sa kanya, I CAN'T COZ I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! Sabi ko lang na, "Eric, hawak mo oras ko. Alam mo schedule ko. I never told you I was too busy to meet you. How can I even think of meeting other guys."
But ako, di ko hawak oras niya. If he chooses na he was not ready for that kind of intimacy, then fine. But i knew in my heart, there was something very genuine that was building up. But even without words, I know, he felt, that I was always there, just waiting for him, to open up. I had seen it in his eyes. Ayaw lang niya ko iconfront kase di pa siya ready. But he had not heard any pressures from me. Mabait naman siya. And if i concluded right, i think there was a brink when he almost gave away what he really felt for me and what he really would have wanted to happen between us. It was unfair. But i thought it was better than not having the moments for me to treasure.
But those moments abruptly stopped dead one day. And another day. And another day. i tried calling his cellular phone, but my call was rejected. He knew I tried calling. I had hoped for a follow up. But days passed. Weeks passed. A month passed. He just disappeared. Nothing. I don't know if it was pride or self-preservation that kept me from bugging him. Which up to now, I know was the best thing I did. But my heart, waited. And waited. Like a forlorn lover. It had robbed me my heart. Until I didn't want to use it anymore. My days went by without any emotions. Parang robbot ba. Kase if I start feeling anything, kahit awa sa officemate ko. I'd just feel pain. Pain together with a picture of his face, forever imprinted on my mind. I would always look at a black car hoping it was him. Every car park. Every road. My heart was mourning for the loss. It was like losing someone in the war, not knowing if he's alive or not. What happened. And they are all bottled inside this tortured heart.
One day after three months. I saw him sa Alabang Town Center. Inside Tequila Joe's. The world stopped and all the pain that I had kept inside wanted to burst and bleed inside the restaurant. I was with a group of straight friends. He looked at me across the room.
"Friday's na lang tayo gusto nyo?" i asked my friends. Di ko kaya. Mahal dito, sabi ko. Kunwari tawa pa kame ng tawa, just to hide the thousand knifes pinned right through and through me.
"Cge tingnan natin." agreed a friend.
We went to Friday's and everything went silent. Wala akong naririnig but my own pain inside. Pain of seeing him again. I had not admitted that I truly loved him before he had left, but the moment I knew that i had lost him. I knew. I loved him so much, even if i had stopped myself from doing so. The sight of him was such a shock, like a knife slicing through my ribs, into my the center of my heart. May family siya. He's got a a kid who's like five years old. And an infant na karga ng wife niya. I wanted to go home and weep. Not for finding out that he's married. But the pain of how easy it was for him to just leave and move on. I am a decent person. What we had was six months. There had been no commitment, but still, sabi nga ni Cameron Diaz sa Vanilla Sky, sleeping with someone gives an unspoken commitment, much more if it dragged for half a year. I knew the risks of heartbreak and loss. But a deliberate walking out without a word. It's like playing with someone else's feelings. I need not say it, but he owed something to me. Explanation.
"Tol, me tumatawag sayo." sabi ni Jeric, friend ko, jolting me out of my reverie. He pointed out to a man outside Friday's. He looked great as ever. I told myself, i am a mature person. I must handle this, like the person i perceived and prepared myself to be.
"UUYY!!!! musta!!!" masayang bati ko ke Eric. "Nawala ka ah. Balita?"
He asked me if we can talk sa malapit sa parking. So we did.
"Kita nga kita kanina. Wife mo ba yon?" kunwari very nonchalant ako.
"Jus, stop it."
He called me by that name. And stop I did. I knew if I stopped, the pain will replace it. And pain dwelled for the most painful moment. "Ok, Eric, what did you want to say..." serious na ko. Nakatingin ako sa kanya.
"Musta ka na." tanong lang ni Jason.
"What do you think?" I paused. "Ineexpect mo ba na kulitin kita? Sorry. You left without a word. You didn't give me that much decency. And the last thing I want to give you now is the luxury of knowing how much you've hurt me. Because you did. And that's the end of it. But you know what, if you're talking to me just to assuage your conscience and your guilt, sorry but you'll have to do that on your own. I can't stay long, but I'm thankful for this opportunity coz somehow I can close my book and move on."
It was the most painful point. Walking away. With my heart numb. Yet i knew that time, had i felt anything i'd have broken down to that little child I really was when it came to the game of love and cry and cry and cry. I drove and drove that night, left my friends with a plausible excuse. I did a lot of soul-searching. Not self-pity. But in my time alone, i set the floodgates free and let all my tears flow...flow till there was no more. Till I was tired of crying. Crying not for a loss. But crying just to let pent up emotions free.
That night I went home. Everyone was asleep. I changed. I went to my parents' room, snuggled up with my Mom and my Dad. And slept soundly for the first time in a long while.
THE END
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Iputok mo ditto, Pre!